New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Your cock deserves a montage
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
