I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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