I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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