i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
