I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
