Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
