Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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