Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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