He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
