I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
