Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
