sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
