so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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