I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
