Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
