I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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