You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
