my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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