We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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