You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
