STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
