my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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