He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I believe in your delicious
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
