I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
