Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize