Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
