made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
