i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
