she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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