K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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