I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The power of my boobs compel you
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
