Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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