I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
