Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
