I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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