I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
