God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
