I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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