genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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