How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
