Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
