So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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