I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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