if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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