I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
