smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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