My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
