My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just google imaged poop.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize