someone threw a dead crab at me
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
