totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
how does that bad decision feel?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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