Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
