So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
