can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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