I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
