can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
