No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It's rum buckets o'clock
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
