Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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