Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
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