Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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